Learning to Live

I can’t say much has changed since my last post, which isn’t a bad thing being as that I am pretty happy with the way it is right now. S still lives in Virginia and the kids and I are happy and staying busy. They miss him but they are dealing remarkably well with being gone.

I’ve taken them on a few mini-vacations lately. We took a field trip to an old Spanish fort one weekend, a little Greek town on Mothers day and last Wednesday I took them to the beach for 2 days. It has really been so nice just to get a  way for a bit.

Wednesday was the first time I took them by myself away like that. It was my way of testing out this single motherhood thing a bit. Going on a little vacation without my parents or a husband. Just me and my kids. ~ It was amazing.

The kids and I loved every minute of it.

I took them to a location that I used to go to years ago with a close girl friend when I was single. It was low key place we would run off to when we didn’t want to party but just chill on the beach. I thought we were so cool and so free. We talked about moving there several times but of course we both had jobs and demanding boyfriends back then. Neither of us were married or had children to “tie us down”. Why didn’t we just go for it?
This time though as I laid out on that same beach, not as a 19 year old with her eyes closed basking in the sunlight in a little bikini but as a 32 year old watching my 2 beautiful children run and play in the surf in my TANKini, I realized I had never felt as free as I do now. For the first time I felt like I had everything and everyone I needed right with me and everyone else who mattered could take care of themselves. I have always felt bound to someone. Be it my parents as an adolescent or a boyfriend in my early adulthood to my ex-husband. I’ve always felt tied down. Not wanting upset them or as with most of my failed relationships I worried about what they were doing so I had to stay close by. In my marriage I always wanted to do more and be more active but money was always an issue and if I did go for a night away in a hotel it was always followed by guilt, S only liked to be spontaneous with his friends.
I did have truly carefree moments, typically in between boyfriends. When S and I met I was in carefree phase. I had broken off my 3 yr engagement 6 months prior and I was wild child for those 6 months. I met S and stopped. I focused everything on him, he didn’t like the group I hung out with so I stopped. Bad thing was I didn’t like his group either so I had no one BUT him.

I guess what I am finally realizing is that maybe I have always been so desperate for that male companionship that I have sacrificed my happiness trying to make them happy, and maybe that is why my relationships fail and we both end up unhappy.

{ that was actually, as Oprah would call it an “uh-huh moment” }

Learn from your mistakes…..

 

A new chapter and a long story

It has been a crazy 4 months for sure. The ups and downs and twist have left my head spinning.

The rehab, the semi-sobriety, the relapses, the regret, the fear….
He moved out, he called it quits.
I packed up, got a new job, kept it steady with the kids….
He “quit” his job, went on a weeks binge and bailed to Va, abandoning his kids…..
I filed for divorce.

I guess it’s time to start a new chapter on this blog as well seeing as how this is no longer a “Separation”. I did it, I filed. wow.
It actually turned into quite a comical day, one to for sure be every bit as memorable as my wedding. lol

The night before I couldn’t sleep. I was stressing over trying to find my way around the court house and I kept having dreams that S was seeing someone else (our receptionist at work) and having sex with her. (Obviously this is because I know once the divorce is final, it’s fair game…. unfortunately.)
In the morning I drop the kids off at S’s parents and head over to county seat, about a 45 minute drive. I go see my old friend who notarized all the paperwork for me and head to the garage to park. As soon as I pull in the van starts acting sluggish and I find the closest parking spot and the lights go dim. (I text my parents and give them the heads up that it may not start when i go to leave, but I’d text them when I was done.) So flustered about the van I walk a block to one building that says “Court House”…. but it’s not THE courthouse, at I  met up with some biker guy who looks like he stepped off the set of HBO’s Oz and we walk together. So whatever he was nice enough and he and I walk another 2 blocks to the entrance of the real one, “NOT FOR PUBLIC USE, USE SIDE STREET ENTRANCE”. UGH! Ok another block around to the side entrance. FOUND IT! Mr Oz and I walk in and he lets me go through the metal detector first because of all his body equipment… I mean jewelry.
Piece of cake! I find a helpful employee she points me in the right direction, I walk in and 5 minutes later I am done with the 2nd step in my process. Woo-Hoo! On to the 3rd foor! I grab a number, 3 minutes later I am called but told I had missed a step and needed to go to the 4the floor to have the paperwork looked over by the Family Court Management. I get there and they are on lunch. No biggie though because I have a smart phone! 45 minutes and multiple bejeweled games later I was called, I filled out a few pages and was sent back to the 3rd floor. I was the only one there and got it done no problem! DONE! OVER, FILED! I was feeling good, that went really great. No bitchy government employees or long lines, just friendly people and fast service! Awesome!
So I head back to the garage unsure if the van is going to start or not but I’m good because I’ll just walk over to a cafe and grab lunch and wait for my parents if it doesn’t.
I walk in and up to where I thought I parked, the van isn’t there.
I walk to the other side, I walk to 2nd floor, back to the 1st, make the loop around, nope. I walked the 1st and 2nd floors about 5 more times then head up the upper levels walking each one row by row. My parents call to check in and I tell them. I find a cop and he offers me no assistance other than to try the horn on my key chain! (Thank you BRILLIANT officer I hadn’t thought of that one! errrrr) So I walk the entire length and height of the garage again and tell my parents I give up. It was at LEAST 85 degrees out that day, I was wearing black skinny jeans and a grey 3/4 sleeved over shirt!
So I went with my plan to walk to a cafe, which was a lot more difficult having just walked the entire parking garage about 10 times! I saw an Italian place right across the street but as tired as I was Italian is not my favorite, so I tracked on. 3 to 4 blocks down there is a lake and I knew it had more options. So pouring sweat I made it to one, ordered food and in desperation polished off 2 glasses of coke (ick) and waited for my parents. My legs were so tired and I could feel the electric pulses going through them. Thankfully this place was pretty empty and they didn’t seem put off by my appearance. The owner was actually really nice and the food was very good.
My parents arrived and after I finished we got in the car to find my van. A minute after pulling into the garage we found it. I had parked in a cubby of some sort tucked away just enough…. but it was there! I get in, it starts and I drive out….about a block, then it just dies. Right on Main street and right in front of the Italian cafe.
My parents turn around and try to jump it but it won’t hold a charge. After a good 20 to 30 minutes a  sheriff pulls over to help us at least get it off the road. Mom and I go grab a beer from the cafe and we wait for the tow truck.

So yes it was an exhausting day but it ended happily with my babies back home with me. I Thank God for the little inconveniences though. Had I found my car I realize I would have driven it out and gotten stuck on main ALONE, without the help of my parents and I dislike to admit this but it freaks me out. Yes I had to walk a lot, but it was good for me.

Lost for words

I thought S was messed up last week when he drove to town but didn’t see the kids, and it was. He tried to make up for it by being here bright and early and keeping them the next night.

That was nothing.

S has now proved just what a total piece of Sh*t he really is. Far and beyond exceeding what I ever thought he would be capable of.

He left. Moved. Took the 1st flight out and BAILED.

Back to the one place he knows he can make money and not give up his alcoholic lifestyle. Virginia.

His parents took him to the airport and bought his whole lie.
“I can’t make money here…. I was happy in Virginia…. This is FOR the kids…..I’m going to come back once a month”

I cried a lot that night.

What a coward! I never thought he’d leave his kids.
He gave me the whole sob story. It was ALL bullshit. He says he can’t make money here, that’s BS, he made money when he was SOBER and he didn’t when he would start drinking! He wasn’t happy in Va! He talked about changing jobs once a month while we were there and he was always complaining about being screwed over but management! This isn’t for the kids, the kids aren’t going to give 2 shits about a child support check if they don’t have their dad! -And the last one is just his way of softening the blow to himself, trying to say he will be coming back once a month! How does he think he will afford that!?!

He has totally lost it.

The only good I see coming from this now is that the kids and I don’t have to deal with his drunken coked-out self anymore and he left the car, so now I have a vehicle. -Which today has just served as a slap in my face every time I look out of the window and see it.

What a crazy twist my life has taken.

 

Seriously, Wow.

Today is Sunday. The day S is suppose to take the kids over night so that I can work on Monday. Guess what?
He failed.

We talked this morning and I kept getting the run around. “I’m waiting on my roommate so I can help him……” a few hours later “I’m heading out to the house (our rental) to get the rest of the furniture….” Every time we talked he said he wasn’t sure if he could take the kids because 1: no room in the van, and 2: his place was a mess with all of our stuff (plus his roommates stuff) was everywhere. He told me how he had to pick up tools from his parents to disassemble our sons bed from his parents…. when I talked to his parents they said he came by, but he didn’t pick up tools. And when I went by the house, nothing had been moved today.

So he drove an hour over here, hasn’t seen his kids in a week, and is literally 3 blocks away from them and DOES NOTHING but tells me he has to drive back to his place (to drop off the make believe furniture) then drive back to pick up the kids tomorrow. Instead of taking them tonight and staying at his parents LOCALLY so he doesn’t have to drive back and forth and he would actually be following thru with our original deal…..nope. What’s more is he tells me he has no money and no gas! (No, I did not give him any.)

Oh and another thing, he QUIT his job! Or got fired, I truly don’t know. He said he quit because he wants a 9-5 Monday – Friday job…. ok that’s nice but my schedule needs him to be OFF MONDAY!

He’s so selfish.

Nothing new.

I’m glad he has no money. And sadly I know the only reason he drove out this way was to get high at his friends.

I hate that he is such an ass. I hate that he is still pissing me off. And I hate that he does this to the kids! I honestly couldn’t give a shit about him being high or drunk, but this was HIS day and the kids knew it.

I can not wait for this divorce to be final. Too bad I can’t divorce him from the kids as well.

Oh another kicker…. Tonight he said he would be here (an hour away from his place) at 8am!

Guess we’ll see, but so far he was already really drunk at 8pm tonight when I talked to him and now his phone is turned off.

Pictures To Prove It

It’s official, not the divorce (yet) but I’m out from under S’s grasp. With the help of my parents we were able to move everything out of the rental and BACK into their home. It’s bitter sweet to say the least.
Of course I couldn’t get through the move without coming across every picture from our seemingly happy life. The birth of our children, our wedding. I look at them now and I see things differently. I really do see love in his face and his mannerisms. The way he held me as I laid in the hospital bed holding our newborn son, the look in his eyes as he’s seeing his first born. In our wedding photos I noticed things that I often over looked. The pictures where no one is looking in the right direction, someones eyes are closed or I look weird. In all of those “bad” photos S is looking at me. He looks proud and I realize there really is no denying that he loved us.
Then there are those pictures that look happy enough but when I think back to that actual day or moment I remember what really took place.

Surprisingly enough I didn’t shed a tear. Not one. I look back on those photos, and yes I can see the love, but I can also see the lies.
I left some of the pictures there for S and I can’t help but wonder what he will take away from them.

And although I didn’t cry, there is a definite void in my heart tonight. It’s over.

Faith

2 more days and I officially start my new job! I’m pretty stoked! (yes stoked!) My boss text me earlier and asked if I could come in an hour early on Monday and help with a wedding party, talk about starting me off with a bang! I can’t wait and I typically LOATH wedding parties.
Something about this place just makes me want to succeed and exceed my career goals. It feels really good. Maybe it’s because the boss has already put so much faith in me, I don’t want to let him down. Plus the obvious chance to support the kids and I on my own while still homeschooling is HUGE!
I am so grateful God has opened this door for me.

I expressed to S today just how I felt. After this morning when he didn’t go to work, lied about it and then told me how he just didn’t feel like doing anything anymore. I realized just how depressed he still was over this.
My best friend keeps telling me “he doesn’t like what he is doing…. he just doesn’t know how to stop.”
Now she in no way thinks I should take him back or deal with it, she just knows addicts because she was one.
Since he left he has shown no remorse or compassion toward me, until Monday. The day after Easter he called me and I could hear it in his voice, he wanted to talk but he didn’t know how and I didn’t give him much opportunity. I could see it in him when I went to pick up the kids also. Our son A was playing a game with me when I got there, he was trying to hide around the bush, I played along then chased him out. It was cute and I glanced at S mid laugh and it was like a movie scene. You could actually see him soften towards me.
It took me a day or two to recover from that moment and from the phone call that followed. My heart ached but I let it go.

Today was another clue that he wasn’t actually happy with his choice and I called him on it.
Earlier today when I was thoroughly annoyed with the bank account, him not being at work and his lying. I sent him a text:

“It’s not that I care about what you do (at night), but you fail to acknowledge that you are a father and regardless of US they should be your #1 priority. They should be the reason you get up in the morning and do your best at work. You are failing them, wake up!”

He responded :
“what the F@ck r u talking about?”
(like he doesn’t understand that by him not making any money and deciding instead to get drunk and not go to work, affects the kids!)

“You and your moping around with self pity. Not going to work, not making any money, not being there for your kids. You’d rather drown in your sorrows than man up, sober up and take responsibility for LIFE. I’m moving on and getting my sh*t together, I’m excited for the future. I have a great job and 2 amazingly beautiful children to take care of. This divorce was your idea and I’m ok with it, you should be too considering it was your idea.”

The more I thought about it. I decided to just come right out and ask him if he was at peace with the divorce. I thoroughly expected him to say ‘yes’. But he didn’t, he said he didn’t know,” but it sounds like you are.” (HA!)

Again I told him the truth. That I had come to terms with it and accepted it and told him that he should too. I told him I didn’t want him to be miserable but he didn’t seem to be happy either way. I told him that since this was his idea I assumed he would be more at ease with it than what he led on to this morning. No response, and I left at that.

-That was last night.
I think I was searching for some sign that he was hurt by what was going on. He has been so cold and so angry and as much as it hurts, it helps me to move on. Anytime he shows just the slightest bit of remorse I over analyze it and cling to it. Not that I want him to come back, because I don’t. I just want to know he FEELS something. Which just reminded me of Faith Hills song “cry”.

“If I had just one tear running down your cheek
Maybe I could cope maybe I’d get some sleep
If I had just one moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery would be well spent

Yeah…. Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you’re feeling a little more pain
I gave now I ‘m wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me

If your love could be caged, honey I would hold the key
And conceal it underneath the pile of lies you handed me
And you’d hunt those lies
They’d be all you’d ever find
And that’d be all you’d have to know
For me to be fine

Yeah…. And you’d cry a little
Die just a little
and baby I would feel just a little less pain
I gave now I’m wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me

Give it up baby
I hear you’re doin’ fine
Nothins goin save me
I can see it it your eyes
Some kind of heartache
Darlin give it a try
I dont want pity
I just want what is mine

Yeah… Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that your’re feeling a little more pain
I gave now I’m wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me

Yeah… Cry just a little for me”

M.I.A.

Woke up this morning, checked the joint account, 135$.

I text S a few times letting him know that we were moving out this week and that if he wanted to move it was all his or he needed to come pick up the rest of the furniture. -No response.
About an hour later I realized I needed him to call our sons school and let them know about the change of address since his name is the only name on the lease. -It was off and went straight to voice mail.
I called his work 3 hours after he was scheduled to be there, no one had seen him or heard from him.

Not much later I tried his phone again and he answered. Groggy and hung over he told me he was at work. (HA!)

When he realized I already knew he was lying didn’t have much to say but that he “didn’t feel like doing much of anything”.

How pathetic.

This whole thing was his idea but now it seems he is even more depressed than he was before, poor, poor S. Seems drinking and doing whatever he pleases actually doesn’t make him happy either.

I truly hope he will wake up and get himself the help he so badly needs.